Raising kids is a complex, difficult task — and raising several at once makes the process even more tricky. Not only is it necessary to build a trusting relationship with each of your kids, but it’s also crucial to help them have good relationships with each other as well. Unfortunately, sometimes unobvious things can become obstacles, like phrases that are passed on from generation to generation that don’t do anything but cause confusion and conflict.
Bright Side decided to figure out what phrases can be harmful and are better not to be used when raising kids if you want to prevent them from competing with each other and be truly happy and friendly.
“Take your sister or brother as an example.”
It might seem like making comparisons with other kids can serve as perfect
motivation. However, the kid will only hear that you love their sibling more
and that he or she is worse. It creates feelings of bitterness and envy,
which can lead to both self-esteem problems in the long run and harsh
competition in the present when one kid starts to use dishonest tricks.
“Look after your younger sibling.”
It’s recommended to ask the older kids to look after the younger siblings
only when there is a significant difference in age. But you’d better keep in
mind that this activity shouldn’t become a duty of the elder kid, as they
aren’t supposed to replace parents completely. Ideally, it should be a
self-manifestation of love or work that will be paid for with either money
or gifts.
“You must love them.”
The appearance of a new baby in the family can be stressful for kids.
Controversial feelings and jealousy start to brew inside them. Efforts to
make your older kids start loving the “newbie” because they are relatives
can only worsen the rejection. A much better option is to occasionally
plan for some alone time with the older sibling. It’s worth explaining to
them that they have the right to experience such emotions, and always
praise the moments they show care toward their younger sibling.
“You are older, be smarter, and concede.”
Frequent acceptance of the younger sibling’s side, as well as forcing the
older sibling to always endure and give in for the sake of the younger
one, can not only lead to the absence of a relationship between the
children but also to personal problems for the older child. Thus, due to a
load of responsibility and constant pressure, they might grow up into a
less optimistic and anxious perfectionist who always seeks approval and
has a hard time building friendly ties.
“So, who’s gonna get ready first?”
Another bad habit many parents have is the open provocation of
competition between kids. When it comes to comparing kids to each
other, one of the kids will feel disadvantaged; but when it comes to
open competitiveness, everyone will lose and feel anxious in the
scenario. This is because competition is not a game for kids, and the
emotions that they get from losing or winning are truly strong. That’s
why it would be more appropriate to turn them into a team instead of
competitors. You can do it by being a third player who will take up
the role of the one who loses.
“Stop being angry,” or “Deal with it.”
Not only does banning emotions perpetuate worry and leave the issue
unsolved, but it also makes things worse in general. Even adults
have to work through their inner conflicts from time to time.
Instead of prohibiting your kids from feeling angry, it’s better to
listen to them, say that their feelings are normal, and help them
figure things out. In order to reduce the number of conflicts they
face, try to outline teamwork and mutual help between kids and
praise them for it.